Starting New

I should also exclaim from the top of the mountains that on Sunday this woman is moving out. And that soon, I will be free... to shower when I want, do laundry when I want, spend each day with my kids how I want to.

Beyond that, in just an hour and thirty minutes I will no longer be in charge of her son.

Hallelujah!!!

Prune Juice Explained

I know that in my last post I was a little more than crazy. And a little more than just upset. There was a reason behind it.

Back at the beginning of September I made the mistake of letting a woman I barely know come and stay with us. Beyond that I agreed to do her daycare while she went to work each day. With the promise that the state could pay for the care that I was giving.

As my last post clearly shows, things did not go well.

Communication broke down. People were taken advantage of. In the most compact sense no one was comfortable with the situation. And I for one wanted it to end.

To cope I had started to complain , with funny statements, on Facebook (well, maybe not all of them were funny). Things like...

"Sarah is ready to pull her hair out!!"

"Sarah is is not sure that we made the right choice... changes might happen again... "

"Sarah is ready to have her house back... anyone want an extended house guest??? Feel free to ask, She will share them...."

"Sarah is counting down.... only 7 weeks till my house is back to normal!"

"Sarah is READY TO YELL AT THIS WOMAN... WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO ACT THIS WAY.... IT IS MY HOUSE!!!! MINE!!!"

"Sarah is ready for 6 weeks to pass!"

"Sarah thinks she might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!"

"Sarah says it might have been just gas... "

"Sarah is ready to just kick her out.... if only everyone else was..."

My sharing in a public format upset one of the college students from my church. Because I have youth that have access to my page as well. But they are not really my youth.

I am a youth pastor's wife. It is my job to be real and a friend to these kids. Yes I need to be an example, but I had endured a month of this woman in my house before I started posting my feelings or sharing them with anyone at all.

To be honest, How to Make Prune Juice is the response to the email that I received but that I don't have the guts to send. I wish I could send it, at least part of me does.

But, if I did have the guts I am pretty sure that this woman would never "get off her high horse" even just to say hi to me again. And I did at one point want to be her friend. Now I think I am just hopping for a nod of the head.

So instead of going to her... I came here. I just pray that even though I am sharing it here and posting it for the world to see that she does not stumble across it and hate me forever.

How to Make Prune Juice

Do you understand that I am not only questioning my decision in letting her stay with me, but my abilities as a parent. This child hates me, he will not play with me, runs away when I speak to him, hits things. He is constantly bullying my daughters. Do you understand that I am editing myself before I just post a new status. That I do think about how things sound before I just put them out there. And yet I am at my whits end. I have no idea how to live my life and still be walked all over by this woman.

I feel like it is not a bad thing for the youth to see what I am going through. That this decision effects me in every aspect of my life. Including how I interact with them as youth. So before you sit on a high horse, maybe you should stop and understand what it means when you let someone stay in your small 2 bedroom house when you already have 2 children of your own. And are surrounded by them 24 hours a day.

If I have done anything unacceptable it was letting her move in with me in the first place or unloading all of the garbage that I am going through on you without being asking me to.

By the way, when SHE ASKED ME if she could move in, it was short term... she had said that there was a new shelter opening a week after her time was up at the mission and that she would be trying to move in there.... that has obviously not happened... she has now lived with me for 2 months.

Am I wrong to be annoyed. No, am I wrong to share my problems with everyone... my question for you is if it is better to not say anything here and yell at her for every inconvenience she has put upon me. This way I share with the multiple people who want to know how life is going in my super full house. And I don't explode over every problem she has created in my house where I live and my house where I work.

Letters to my Girls

I have been cleaning the house and organizing things better; while I was doing this I came across a notepad with two letters in it. I decided to put them here so that I will have them later to look back on.


Dear Paige,
You are quite the three year old. Each day I am amazed at the ideas you come up with. They never seem to stop coming. Everything you talk about has something to do with "last weekend." You talk about you imaginary friends all the time, there's Birdy, Nemo and so many more.
You love you little sister; she makes you smile all the time. You can't go anywhere without her. You can't play in your room without having Elizabeth by your side.
You like to go all the time, we have to force you to stop. Even now the only reason that you are asleep is that I made you stop. Asleep in your car seat, head resting on your hand. Sitting crisscross-applesauce.
You are adorable, you are sweet, you are wonderful. I am excited to see the new things that you will come up with each day. Oh, the adventures that you will have; the things that you will do. I can't wait. Any mintute this nap will end and our adventures will begin again. HIP-HIP-HORRAY!!
Love, MOM


Dear Elizabeth,
You turned one last week. It amazes me how quickly time has been flying by. Seems like just yesterday that I found out you were coming. I love my princess.
You are an amazing girl. You have learned to talk so quickly. I am not sure how I will be able to handle a talker like you.
My only stress is that I can't make you walk. Trust me I have been trying to. No matter what I do you just want to stay close by. You enjoy walking only when someone is holding your hands.
You love your Paige. She holds your hand and you smile. She talks to you and you smile. She plays peek-a-boo with you and you laugh like crazy.
Paige loves you too. She wants to be with you all the time; if you weren't in the room with her she would be asking me to bring you to her. She loves to hold your hand and sing to you.
I have to tell you that you have a special place for your Daddy. When he comes into the room you brighten up like the sun. He is the one you want a hug from. Daddy and you seem to understand each other.
I am so proud of you. Each day you seem to be reaching for new heights. I can't believe how quickly you have been changing and growing.
Keep it up!
Love, Mom

Elizabeth Grace, My Crawling Machine

I have only three words...




STILL NOT WALKING.......

Mother’s Day Revisited

Last year my Mother's Day seemed very much like it was just motions. Maybe it was that I was just a few weeks postpartum or that Andrew had to work and I spent the day alone with the girls, the reason doesn't matter. It was hard.

This year was different.

I am not saying that it was how I would have dreamed spending Mother's Day. There are a few things that I wish would have not taken place.

However, I would not change going to be with my mom for the first time in a few years.

I would not change my Andy taking the day off work, to be with us.

I would not change spending quality time with my girls and letting them do something that they love doing.

I still had a range of emotions, not all of them good. And a big cry on the way home, just like last year.

But the most precious moment of the day was Paige running to me from her class to bring me a card. She was so proud of the little pink paper, I almost cried when I saw it.

It was such a lovely moment.

Really that was all that I wanted for Mother's Day, to be reminded that my girls love me.

Oh, and maybe some fresh Krispy Kremes.

Did I miss her 1st steps?

This last Friday (April 11), I think that I might have missed an important milestone in Elizabeth's development.
Elizabeth was having floor time and scooting around the house, while I was doing some laundry and Paige was laying on my bed watching Cinderella. I walked past my room and Saw Elizabeth holding on to the corner of my bed, kinda watching the cartoon, mostly trying to get Paige to want to play with her.
I left her there standing at the corner of my bed, cause she has been standing holding on to things for a long while now... that really isn't anything new. I was gone for 45 seconds when I heard a big crash and then tears. I came rushing back to find Elizabeth, laying on her stomach about 2 feet from the bed.
I am filled with guilt that the only one that was there to witness her first steps was her big sister. Paige couldn't care less when she is watching a princess movie. SO there was no cheering her on.
Needless to say, Elizabeth has not tried to walk again.
But maybe I am crazy and she was scooting toward the door and then just forgot how to scoot in her silly way and fell forward. That must be it. I will tell myself that Elizabeth has not tried to walk yet. And that is okay. That is better than thinking that no one saw her first steps.

The Nemo Party

Paige has a few imaginary friends. (I am sure that in a few years she will want the world to know this, but it is a good story... it is kind a long)

Maybe I should explain, she has more than a few imaginary friends. There is Birdy, Baby Dumbo and Princess Kitty Cat. I think that there are more, but they only visit. The most important of all her imaginary friends is Nemo. She takes him everywhere, he does everything with her. She loves him. I have sat on him once.... she didn't like that.

This year Paige wasn't done with birthdays after her birthday, Christmas (Jesus' Birthday), Uncle Mark's and mine. So in mid January she started to plan Nemo's Birthday. He needed a cake, presents, balloons and most importantly a birthday card.

She would pick things out in the store. I mean she did this for weeks. Picked out card after random card sure that this was the one Nemo wanted. There were Bunnies, one for a 50 year old, boy cards and girl cards. If she was near a card section she wanted to pick out a card.

Then there was the......
"Nemo wants this beautiful bear, for his birthday."
"Nemo wants that pretty dress,.... for his birthday."
"Don't forget Nemo's Birthday card, MOM!"

It was everywhere. I was going crazy. Finally, I joked with Andrew one night that we should really just thow this thing and get it over with. We could do it on the cheap. It would be no big deal.
It is settled, we're going to do it. That will make all this talking about Nemo's birthday stop.
We set a day (some friend were going to spend the whole day with Paige), and went out to get a few supplies.
We needed: Cake, Cards, Balloons, Party Plates and Cups (Less dishes this way), Party hats (had to be convincing). IT should be SIMPLE.

I let Paige pick out what she wanted Brownie Cake with frosting, Card supplies (so her friends could make cards too), Dino plates and blue cups, and Sporty party hats. Found a banner that was extra..... but it was cute ( forgot the Balloon anyway). This was going to be a great party for Paige's imaginary friend.

Paige and her REAL friends had so much fun. They made cards, picked out of Paige's toys for gifts. We sang him Happy Birthday. It jsut so happened to be the weekend her friends were moving away, so it was an unstated moving away party. And was needed.

I've learned that Paige can drive me crazy enough to just throw caution to the wind and let go. I am glad that we ran that errand and planned something out of the ordinary.

But that I should have saved the supplies..... I guess that Birdy's Birthday is coming soon too.

My Belle

We spent all of labor day running around the town, having so much fun. That night we didn't get back until late and when we did there was frantic barking in my backyard. Andrew went out to tell the dogs to stop. When he did he could find Maggie; but not Belle. He turned on the porch light and found our Belle.
Something had attacked her, and she had not made it. I am filled with guilt, we spent our day having fun, and she spent her day suffering.
I don't know when it happened, what did it, or how long she suffered. All I know is that Maggie is fine, in fact she doesn't even seem stressed about it.
We have been having a hard time with this. Luckily Paige isn't full of questions, I am not sure what I would do if I knew she was hurting too.

What I Should Have Done

I am introspective today. I can't help but question my life. Sometimes I think that my priorities are right on where they should be and then there are the days that I know there is something wrong.
Today there is something wrong. I am filled with regret and I am hurt that I choose to act the way that I have. And yet I did, I knew what the consequences could have been and yet I did what I did (or didn't do what I should have, as the case is today).
Gone on walks.
Thrown a ball around.
Played tug of war.
Given you table scraps.
Ran together.
Played together.
Just plain given affection.
Now I have missed all of those opportunities, and instead I am stuck thinking how you last few months have been. How hard it must have been for you. I didn't love you and you knew that. You didn't deserve to be treated the way that you were. I hope that you know we are remorseful now. And that I plan to learn from my mistakes.
I am sorry. I will never treat another living thing the way that I treated you.
We were supposed to be friends.
I was a far thing from that.
I understand why you left us.
Again,
I am so sorry.

Business is the Same as it has Always Been

Things are slow. Pickings seem slim. It has been a while now and no serious inquires yet....and to top it off

I am so frustrated! I feel like I wasted $20 this weekend.

I posted a classified ad this weekend, and received NO phone calls. I mean not a single one. I thought that my ad was a good one and yet not even a nibble of a response.

I have been trying to get kids for 3 weeks now. I am not crazy. I am good with kids. And I am a parent myself. I think that I have done everything right, and yet I can't find the right kids.

I have had only one interview.

Am I just not right for this? What am I doing wrong? How come I can't get ANYONE to sign up with me? Do I not know how to raise children? Are my own kids unresponsive, rude, undeveloped or stupid? How come I can't get anyone and other people can get all they can right away? I am in the center of where there is a need!! I just don't get it.

A Different Mother's Day

Mother's day is different for mothers of toddlers and infants than for mothers of older children. Andrew works every Sunday, so Mother's day was no different than any other Sunday.

We got the kids up, and in the car to take Andrew to work, then the girls and I went back home. Try to get Paige to potty.

Breakfast time, full of questions... Eggs.... Cereal.... Toast.... What about waffles? What do you want to eat? Cereal it is then.

Then I got the girls ready for church and after they were ready got myself all ready to go. Squeeze in some time online, while Paige makes me pretend breakfast.

Try to get Paige on the potty again.

Then it's load the car again, and off to church. Elizabeth screaming the whole time. Unload the kids, and make my way in to put Paige on the potty yet again....while being surrounded by people who want to peek in on my baby girl who has slightly calmed down, but has a large bugger the end of her nose. My hands are too full to take it off.

Grandma comes to my rescue and Paige makes it to the potty. While this is happening, I am unloading Elizabeth. A little girl asks to hold her (she holds her every week, I think even more than her mom has). Paige is now at my side ready for her treat for going potty, a single gummy bear.

Time for service to start, convince little girl that I need to take the baby back. Then Paige runs off to find her class, in-between some elder people's legs. Talk to teacher and explain where we are in potty training, but forget to explain about the treats in bag.

Get settled in to service, with sleeping baby. All is nice and calm. Starting to feel guilty for not sharing Elizabeth, and pass her off to Grandma, who has been watching her with keen eyes since she slipped in next to me.

Three minutes later... Is she getting hungry? Better feed her now, before we are late getting Andrew for lunch.

Make my way out of the pew, then out of the sanctuary. Ladies lounge here I come. Settle in for our three minute feeding, full of slobber and leaking milk. Don't forget to burp her. Try again on the other side. Much messier than the first. Burp right away this time.

Time to check on Paige, poke my head in.... Any Luck?.... Just tried fifteen minutes ago.

Time for service to end. Gotta get Paige on the potty now, or we will have a we car seat. Going to be late if we don't leave in ten minutes.

Paige wants to wash her hands and not try to potty. Finally convince her to sit on the potty. Fast, before I know it she is emptying herself. Time to wash hands and get her treat.

Teacher says she gave her some of her treats for potty-ing, just as snack.

Oh boy!

Car seat time, Elizabeth doesn't mind right away. Make our way out the door.

Do you need help???

YES!

In the car now, Elizabeth minds the car seat now! And she is letting us know all about it. Driving to get Andrew....

He isn't where we decided to be, we go around the block again.

Oh, there he is across the street. Stop only long enough to let him in. Off we go to join the family for lunch.

Where is it... here it is.....

Unload the kids, and head inside. now were are Mom and Dad... There they are...

What to get.... Man I forgot to take Paige to the potty.... Tell the waitress I want a burger if I am gone when we order.

Let's go potty.... no success... fit instead, She doesn't want to sit on the potty... Says that she doesn't have to go. Back to lunch.

Three minutes later... Says it's time. Back to the bathroom with the same reults. Back to lunch.

Read above three more times.

Finally understand that she is scared to go, it's a BIG POTTY. Then there is a big fit on fourth trip to the potty. Kneeling on the floor, can't get to try to sit on the potty, makes her upset to look it. Can't even get her to stop crying.

Finally, after a change of subject, there is a try and some success.

Back to lunch, this time the food is there... Oh yea, it is time to eat.

COLD FOOD!

Mine is all gone very quick. I had some help finishing it, I am still hungry. It is amazing how much I can eat.

Elizabeth, who has been cuddling Grandpa, is now hungry and messy. Time to go to the car for some quiet time.

Andrew and Paige join us, time to take daddy back to work. Tears the whole way.

Back to the house, naps all around.

Before we know it it's time to get Andrew. Quickly load the kids, and ZOOM to get him as tears flow from Elizabeth.

Nursing while we wait, and a diaper change again. Put her in the seat again, now it's off to Grandma's.

Uneventful visit, but three trips to the potty, all went very well. Messy diaper from the little one, then it's load the car and back home we go. Forgot to get milk, talk of who should go back out.

Potty....A few minutes of playtime, then Blue's Clue's and change for bed. Forgot to get the cup of water, then it's tuck in time.

An hour with just Andrew and the baby, then it's off to bed. Elizabeth lasts ten minutes, before there is crying again. Back to the living room so Andrew can sleep.

She wants to talk and cuddle, but not sleep. We stay up for quite a while. Elizabeth falls asleep at almost one, but I am now very interested in a series finale that I started, can't go to bed now.

It's almost two, the show is over. I know that I should go to bed. Finally convince myself, so that I can move when Paige calls me.

Andrew is on my side of the bed..... What do I do....... Can't go to his side, I will be in the way at some point.... I get an idea, just get in really close to him.

Eventually he moves. Sleep takes me.

It was a good day. Not how I will choose to spend it next year.

Kids Say Great Things

So, this story is great. I love Paige, but this week I was so embarrassed. Paige knows how to say great things. I just wish I could have stop her this time.


Paige and I went to an office this week that was mostly empty. Just the woman behind the counter and a Hispanic man with a young baby in the waiting room. A Hispanic girl with hair that almost touched her shoulders, about 7 years old, came out from one of the rooms and went to talk to her Dad in the waiting room. As soon Paige saw the girl she started shouting, "Dora! Dora!" This went on for almost three minutes. Paige continuing to shout that she could see Dora the Explorer. The woman behind the counter finally looked at me with questioning eyes and asked, "What is she saying?" So then I had to tell her, that my daughter thinks that she just met her favorite cartoon character.

Things Change

I was in my room today getting ready to go away for the weekend , Paige was jumping on the bed. And suddenly I heard her say "Happy" clear as day. This isn't the first new thing that she has said this week or even today. Last night she said her first whole statement, "Ya, I saw Elmo." But every time it makes me stop and look at her and honestly...... cheer a little on the inside, and smile. She is changing and growing and amazing. God has blessed me. I am amazed at the wonder of his creation. She is a great little girl, right now she is mine, but eventually she won't be..... I can't think about that today... I will think about that tomorrow.

Poopy

Tonight is a rerun of Grey's Anatomy!
I hate that.

Progress

It seems to me that when I am finally getting to the point of no longer wanting to be at home for fear that the dish monster will eat me (For future reference, he is an evil smell producing creature that lives in sinks full of un-rinsed dishes) I finally have a break thru. I can clean today! Now I will have days when I think that my needed cleaning will happen and then nothing will. Today is different. I am going to clean, in fact I have already started. This is the first step, for some it is being able to say they have a problem. Let me tell you I can do that, been able to for years. "I AM NOT A CLEANER." Being able to say it doesn't help me keep the house up. Nor does saying, "I need to clean today!" The only way that I make a progress is getting up to do it. Sounds silly that I have to spell it out for myself, but I do. I am that kind of person. Almost have to hit me over the head with anything I need to know until I get it. It's a long process, seems to be much to timely.... must be why everyone has given up reasoning with me.



The point of all of this is to tell you that tonight I am going to bed with a clean kitchen and no laundry in my living room.... this is for the first time in three weeks. I will not have a clean bathroom or desk though, you can't win every battle.