Long Sunday

I can't seem to convince my mind to slow down tonight. I keep rolling over to change positions. Today was stressful. Where did the slow days of late summer go? I miss them. 

Lord,

What happened today? I am filled with questions. Take care of B and J. Protect them. Comfort them. I miss them. Please fill them with love. 

Thank you for an understanding husband. Thank you for his desire to be a part of annual events, no matter how small. 

Bless our children. Their coughs seem to be getting better. Please let them really be gone.

You are my strength when I am weak. Thank you for carrying me. Please continue to help me make it through the next few days. There is no way I will be able to unless you are helping me. 

Amen

A Friend

A year ago today, my friend got the worst news of her life. She had lost her son before she had even held him. She was so close to his birth. Had just finished his nursery. Gone to the shower to celebrate him only days before. I remember looking at the pictures and feeling so happy for her and counting down the days until she would have her son in her arms.

Then there was the strange phone call from my sister telling me about her loss. It was the closest story of loss I had ever experienced up to that point. I grieved for her. Mourned the loss of that boy. At the same time couldn't help but thank God that I had safely delivered my babies.

I thought of her so often throughout the last year. Cried for her and prayed. It was daily for a long time. A few months later she announced that she was pregnant again. I rejoiced with her and prayed for her. I counted down the weeks of her pregnancy. I was so excited when her day of induction came. I followed updates like crazy that day. Finally her girl was in her arms.

Her loss is so different from mine. She knew her boy. There were more than imaginations of what he would be like. She had him for 9 months. Felt his kicks and hiccups. He had a name, a room, gear and clothes. She had regular old ultrasounds and a cool 3-D one too.

I keep putting together my memories of pregnancy and what I experienced in my life. Her loss was so great. There is a part of me thank thinks my loss doesn't even compare to hers, but part of thinks it does.

I sit her in tears for this family. This first anniversary of the hardest day of their life.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, Grayson.

No Tears

I spent a considerable amount of time alone today and did not cry at all. If spent any time alone before, I was in tears.This is the first time this has happened since our loss. It is nice to know that I am getting closer to being me.
Thank you for a good day. Even if I didn't get a single thing crossed off of the to do list.

The Business Side is Sneaking In

I had to make a business call today about Peanut. I hate that I had to inform the WIC office of my loss. I was dreading hearing that I was no longer eligible for their help. To my relief, I am not just kicked out of their program. They just have to change the kind of appointments I have.

Top it all off, I have to go in to the office on Monday and talk about it more. Why do I have to do anything businesslike? Don't they know? Don't they understand? I want my baby. I don't want to jump through their hoops. I don't want to paste on a smile and make more small talk. Today hadn't been painful until I made the decision to make that call. I need to take comfort in still getting some of their services.

At the same time, I keep thinking about how different my spring looks now. May held the hope of new baby smell. I was looking forward to teaching Landon to be gentle. There was the promise of baby cuddles, proud siblings, diaper changes, sleepless nights and breast-feeding. There was also the promise of time off with Andrew. I want to go back to September when everything was rosy and I was looking forward to so much.

It might be time to remind myself of the stresses we won't have to face. Where was Peanut going to sleep? Where were Peanut's clothes going to be stored. How was I going to handle Elizabeth's kindergarten year of school along with the tiredness of a new baby? Could our house even hold four growing children? Somehow I had only been thinking of the nice things...

But babies are nice things. I don't care about any of the stresses in the last paragraph. Even more-so now after facing this kind of loss. My family is not complete. I know the stresses that come with babies, but I don't look at a baby like a stress.... I believe that every baby is a blessing. It is my desire to be blessed again.

Lord,
If it is your Will, can I have another baby one day? Thank you for holding my hand and hearing my cries. I claim your comfort today. And your promise of a plan. Please help us use this time to be more ready for a new baby.
Amen.

One Week

Empty, nothing is there.

No longer a little heart beating.

Hope from before is gone.

It is all over.

One foot in front of the other.

Eyes all bloodshot and wet, land on my sweet little ones.

No idea of what happened.

So innocent.

One honest question, no simple answer.

So pure and sweet her hope.

How do I tell her it's over?

Not yet.

How to heal a broken heart?

Ice cream and chocolate sauce, a start.

Finding joy in those moments.

Even with tears.

A week full of motion.

Time passes, more tears come.

Just have to do.

Can't stop.

Saturday morning, here already.

Pain floods me, no stopping it now.

Missing my Peanut and watching his siblings.

Play, pretend.

Comfort from friends, offering love.
Hugs.
Knowing looks.
Silent tears inside.

Covered by gloom no longer.
Joy.

Simple pleasures.

And tomorrow?

Can't stop time.

Spending my days reaching for hope,

Searching for sunshine.

Tick, Tick, Tick.

Keep going.

Kids smile and laugh, healing.

Another new day.

Hope coming.

Unspoken Loss and Finding a Way to Remember

It is amazing to me how many people have suffered this kind of loss and never said anything about it. How sad that there is this whole community of people that are suffering and not talking about their losses. The first time I have ever heard about some of these losses is after they heard that I lost Peanut. It breaks my heart to think about all of the people that are walking around missing their little ones.

Am I going to turn into one of these ladies? Coming up to a grieving young mom to tell them that I understand. I don't want to just go on.... but how can I not?

Please God,
Help us as a family find a balance between all consuming loss and just moving on and never speaking of that hope that was once there again. 
Amen

This week we are going to start putting together a memory box for the little time we had with Peanut. It is my prayer that this is the only time we have to put together anything like this. We found a box shaped like a book and are going to decorate it in a combination of baby book and circus theme. We are planning to fill it with my positive pregnancy tests (I am so glad I saved them),  the sonogram pictures, the letters I had written Peanut and a flower from the arrangement my parents sent.

I couldn't bear to be home much this week. While we were out and about, we found a baby peanut ornament. Thank you, Shopko for choosing to include that ornament. Andrew and I broke down right there in the store isle... We must have been quite the sight, holding each other and crying over an ornament. I am so thankful for God sending us something to hold onto and treasure.We will be putting this little ornament in the box as well.

I hope that working on this project as a family will help us all grieve this loss.

The Prayer of my Heart Today

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving us a nice day together as a family. It was refreshing. You hear the cries of our hearts and meet our needs. Bless this family as we continue to grieve and move forward. Continue to hold us up and guide our steps. Let us continue to heal. 

I love you, Lord. I know You have a Plan. As I sit here today, I do not understand. I will listen for Your Calling. I want to do Your Will. Thank you for the promise of a future. 

Amen

A Letter to my Peanut

I had a desire to write something about how I am feeling. Not really to publish it, but for me. But before I started writing I opened my list of blogs that are pending. And found the letter I wrote to Peanut just after we found out he was coming. After reading the post, there is nothing left to say.... I said it all. All of my excitement has gone away and been replaced with emptiness. I am thankful for the hope that was Peanut and the three blessing that distract me from this loss.

Dear Little Sweet Peanut,
I am still in shock that you are really on your way. I have been praying for you to join us for a long time. It seems surreal to know that you are coming.
I am counting the weeks until I can feel you move. Your kicks and hiccups will carry me through these next months.
I am really excited to see how your face is different from your siblings. I want to count your toes. Kiss your checks and cuddle you close.
Right now you are forming. You are becoming the littlest version of you. And before I know it, you will be big just like Paige, Elizabeth and Landon. You will have things you like and don't like. I can't wait for those things. My favorite part of parenting is getting to know the person you are.
We told Grandpa and Grandma that you are coming. They were so excited.
Mommy and Daddy are still trying to come up with a fun way to tell Oma and Grandpa. We are probably going to surprise them by making a trip to Portland and then spilling the beans. We have never told them in such a simple way before. And we have never told them this early on, but I am so EXCITED.
Paige and Elizabeth had the best reaction ever. They were so surprised. There was cheering and clapping. Even Landon caught the excitement; even though he did follow anything we were saying. He clapped his hands and kept saying yay.
As the excitement was winding down Paige. ever the observant one, said, "Mom, I was wondering why your tummy was getting so big."
Elizabeth seems determined that you are going to be a girl. Paige on the other hand, says she will be happy with whatever you turn out to be. I would love another boy, but another girl would be just as amazing. Even as I am writing this, in my heart, all I want is to see and hear that you are healthy.
We are talking about what you name you. I am full of ideas and driving your daddy insane with constantly trying to talk about them.
Of course that is not the only way I am driving Daddy insane. Every time I turn around, I have this desire to celebrate your coming. If I keep my pace of constant celebrating up... Daddy is going to need to take a couple big hunting trips.
Please keep growing. Stay healthy and strong. Please, even while you are growing in my tummy, know that you are so loved. We are already holding you in our hearts and can't wait to hold you in our arms.
I love you, my little sweet Peanut.
Mommy

I am praying to one day be filled with this kind of hope again.