The Business Side is Sneaking In

I had to make a business call today about Peanut. I hate that I had to inform the WIC office of my loss. I was dreading hearing that I was no longer eligible for their help. To my relief, I am not just kicked out of their program. They just have to change the kind of appointments I have.

Top it all off, I have to go in to the office on Monday and talk about it more. Why do I have to do anything businesslike? Don't they know? Don't they understand? I want my baby. I don't want to jump through their hoops. I don't want to paste on a smile and make more small talk. Today hadn't been painful until I made the decision to make that call. I need to take comfort in still getting some of their services.

At the same time, I keep thinking about how different my spring looks now. May held the hope of new baby smell. I was looking forward to teaching Landon to be gentle. There was the promise of baby cuddles, proud siblings, diaper changes, sleepless nights and breast-feeding. There was also the promise of time off with Andrew. I want to go back to September when everything was rosy and I was looking forward to so much.

It might be time to remind myself of the stresses we won't have to face. Where was Peanut going to sleep? Where were Peanut's clothes going to be stored. How was I going to handle Elizabeth's kindergarten year of school along with the tiredness of a new baby? Could our house even hold four growing children? Somehow I had only been thinking of the nice things...

But babies are nice things. I don't care about any of the stresses in the last paragraph. Even more-so now after facing this kind of loss. My family is not complete. I know the stresses that come with babies, but I don't look at a baby like a stress.... I believe that every baby is a blessing. It is my desire to be blessed again.

Lord,
If it is your Will, can I have another baby one day? Thank you for holding my hand and hearing my cries. I claim your comfort today. And your promise of a plan. Please help us use this time to be more ready for a new baby.
Amen.