Christmas, 2011

Christmas with 3 children is amazing. It was wonderful to see the joy in their eyes as the opened each the packages that have been teasing them for days. It was magical and perfect.

Christmas with 13 children that are all 10 and under is insane. It was a different kind of Christmas celebration. It was crazed, loud and overwhelming. I wouldn't have traded a minute of it.

There were some very nice gifts this year. Though, if I were very honest my favorite gift was one I gave to Andrew. It was a deck of cards with "52 reasons I Love You" on them. Here are my reasons to love Andrew.

You fill my life.

You gave me Paige.

You brought me Elizabeth.

You blessed me with Landon.

You make me smile.

You are my best friend.

Your kisses.

You let me hold the remote control.

Your teriyaki chicken.

You will drive me anywhere I want to go.

How tall you are.

You love the Lord with all your heart.

You support me.

The way you laugh.

No bake cookies!

Football Saturdays.

You are patient with me.

You hold my hand.

You allow me to be me.

You take good care of us.

You work so hard.

Your cuddles.

You are a Duck fan.

You are a wonderful father.

Your eye brow holders.

You feed us when I don’t want to.

You care for everyone.

You listen to my crazy ideas.

Dancing in the kitchen.

Taking long drives together.

That you love the Jail.

You drop anything to make me happy.

We share goals.

We share dreams.

You are calm under pressure.

Always ready to help others.

You are honest.

You never complain about our messy house.

You make birthdays super important.

The feeling of your lips against mine.

I love your sense of humor.

You were my rock this fall.

Your eyes.

That my saying “I’m hunting” turns you on. Even if I’m only shopping.

That you are proud of a good deal.

You never complain when you come home to a rearranged room.



You make me feel at home.



You make the bed much warmer for me.



There is no one else I would rather laugh at the kids with.




Helped me add to our family again.....




Yep, you read that right!




Here comes number 4!




It has been an exciting day. I feel like I have been bouncing off the walls. This was the gift I was hoping and praying for.


I am nervous and excited.


Dear Lord,
Thank you for hearing my cries. Thank you for blessing this family again. I know you have good and perfect timing. Please protect this little one and my other children as well. Lord, you know the excitement that we are all feeling. Thank you for giving us that excitement again.
Amen.

A Thankful Spirit

I am so thankful for;
Andrew and the life we share together,
8 years of marriage (in January that is),
Paige and her hopefulness,
Elizabeth and her strong spirit,
Landon and everything that makes him a boy,
The roof over our heads,
That we have yet to go hungry,
A comfortable bed to sleep in,
A heater that works,
That the Lord has a good and perfect plan,
The loving family that raised me,
My husband's loving family,
That Andrew has a stable job,
The comfort that the Lord has provided these last few weeks,
That the children are learning, growing and changing,
Health,
Freedom,
My nieces and nephews, that I never see enough of, Kayli, Kaitlyn, Keira, Kamillie, Kiley, Jocelyn, Eliza, coming little Mango, Jillian's newest little Bean, Brayden, Asah, Calvin, Xander and the hope of more one day.

I am trying to focus on all that is good.
And even though I thought it would be hard it isn't. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas!

A New Normal

We are settling in to a new kind of normal. Things are different now but at the same time they are strangely almost the same as they were before anything happened. It is like the summer never happened. A strange dream/nightmare and it has forever changed my heart and how I look at things.

Long Sunday

I can't seem to convince my mind to slow down tonight. I keep rolling over to change positions. Today was stressful. Where did the slow days of late summer go? I miss them. 

Lord,

What happened today? I am filled with questions. Take care of B and J. Protect them. Comfort them. I miss them. Please fill them with love. 

Thank you for an understanding husband. Thank you for his desire to be a part of annual events, no matter how small. 

Bless our children. Their coughs seem to be getting better. Please let them really be gone.

You are my strength when I am weak. Thank you for carrying me. Please continue to help me make it through the next few days. There is no way I will be able to unless you are helping me. 

Amen

A Friend

A year ago today, my friend got the worst news of her life. She had lost her son before she had even held him. She was so close to his birth. Had just finished his nursery. Gone to the shower to celebrate him only days before. I remember looking at the pictures and feeling so happy for her and counting down the days until she would have her son in her arms.

Then there was the strange phone call from my sister telling me about her loss. It was the closest story of loss I had ever experienced up to that point. I grieved for her. Mourned the loss of that boy. At the same time couldn't help but thank God that I had safely delivered my babies.

I thought of her so often throughout the last year. Cried for her and prayed. It was daily for a long time. A few months later she announced that she was pregnant again. I rejoiced with her and prayed for her. I counted down the weeks of her pregnancy. I was so excited when her day of induction came. I followed updates like crazy that day. Finally her girl was in her arms.

Her loss is so different from mine. She knew her boy. There were more than imaginations of what he would be like. She had him for 9 months. Felt his kicks and hiccups. He had a name, a room, gear and clothes. She had regular old ultrasounds and a cool 3-D one too.

I keep putting together my memories of pregnancy and what I experienced in my life. Her loss was so great. There is a part of me thank thinks my loss doesn't even compare to hers, but part of thinks it does.

I sit her in tears for this family. This first anniversary of the hardest day of their life.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, Grayson.

No Tears

I spent a considerable amount of time alone today and did not cry at all. If spent any time alone before, I was in tears.This is the first time this has happened since our loss. It is nice to know that I am getting closer to being me.
Thank you for a good day. Even if I didn't get a single thing crossed off of the to do list.

The Business Side is Sneaking In

I had to make a business call today about Peanut. I hate that I had to inform the WIC office of my loss. I was dreading hearing that I was no longer eligible for their help. To my relief, I am not just kicked out of their program. They just have to change the kind of appointments I have.

Top it all off, I have to go in to the office on Monday and talk about it more. Why do I have to do anything businesslike? Don't they know? Don't they understand? I want my baby. I don't want to jump through their hoops. I don't want to paste on a smile and make more small talk. Today hadn't been painful until I made the decision to make that call. I need to take comfort in still getting some of their services.

At the same time, I keep thinking about how different my spring looks now. May held the hope of new baby smell. I was looking forward to teaching Landon to be gentle. There was the promise of baby cuddles, proud siblings, diaper changes, sleepless nights and breast-feeding. There was also the promise of time off with Andrew. I want to go back to September when everything was rosy and I was looking forward to so much.

It might be time to remind myself of the stresses we won't have to face. Where was Peanut going to sleep? Where were Peanut's clothes going to be stored. How was I going to handle Elizabeth's kindergarten year of school along with the tiredness of a new baby? Could our house even hold four growing children? Somehow I had only been thinking of the nice things...

But babies are nice things. I don't care about any of the stresses in the last paragraph. Even more-so now after facing this kind of loss. My family is not complete. I know the stresses that come with babies, but I don't look at a baby like a stress.... I believe that every baby is a blessing. It is my desire to be blessed again.

Lord,
If it is your Will, can I have another baby one day? Thank you for holding my hand and hearing my cries. I claim your comfort today. And your promise of a plan. Please help us use this time to be more ready for a new baby.
Amen.

One Week

Empty, nothing is there.

No longer a little heart beating.

Hope from before is gone.

It is all over.

One foot in front of the other.

Eyes all bloodshot and wet, land on my sweet little ones.

No idea of what happened.

So innocent.

One honest question, no simple answer.

So pure and sweet her hope.

How do I tell her it's over?

Not yet.

How to heal a broken heart?

Ice cream and chocolate sauce, a start.

Finding joy in those moments.

Even with tears.

A week full of motion.

Time passes, more tears come.

Just have to do.

Can't stop.

Saturday morning, here already.

Pain floods me, no stopping it now.

Missing my Peanut and watching his siblings.

Play, pretend.

Comfort from friends, offering love.
Hugs.
Knowing looks.
Silent tears inside.

Covered by gloom no longer.
Joy.

Simple pleasures.

And tomorrow?

Can't stop time.

Spending my days reaching for hope,

Searching for sunshine.

Tick, Tick, Tick.

Keep going.

Kids smile and laugh, healing.

Another new day.

Hope coming.

Unspoken Loss and Finding a Way to Remember

It is amazing to me how many people have suffered this kind of loss and never said anything about it. How sad that there is this whole community of people that are suffering and not talking about their losses. The first time I have ever heard about some of these losses is after they heard that I lost Peanut. It breaks my heart to think about all of the people that are walking around missing their little ones.

Am I going to turn into one of these ladies? Coming up to a grieving young mom to tell them that I understand. I don't want to just go on.... but how can I not?

Please God,
Help us as a family find a balance between all consuming loss and just moving on and never speaking of that hope that was once there again. 
Amen

This week we are going to start putting together a memory box for the little time we had with Peanut. It is my prayer that this is the only time we have to put together anything like this. We found a box shaped like a book and are going to decorate it in a combination of baby book and circus theme. We are planning to fill it with my positive pregnancy tests (I am so glad I saved them),  the sonogram pictures, the letters I had written Peanut and a flower from the arrangement my parents sent.

I couldn't bear to be home much this week. While we were out and about, we found a baby peanut ornament. Thank you, Shopko for choosing to include that ornament. Andrew and I broke down right there in the store isle... We must have been quite the sight, holding each other and crying over an ornament. I am so thankful for God sending us something to hold onto and treasure.We will be putting this little ornament in the box as well.

I hope that working on this project as a family will help us all grieve this loss.

The Prayer of my Heart Today

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving us a nice day together as a family. It was refreshing. You hear the cries of our hearts and meet our needs. Bless this family as we continue to grieve and move forward. Continue to hold us up and guide our steps. Let us continue to heal. 

I love you, Lord. I know You have a Plan. As I sit here today, I do not understand. I will listen for Your Calling. I want to do Your Will. Thank you for the promise of a future. 

Amen

A Letter to my Peanut

I had a desire to write something about how I am feeling. Not really to publish it, but for me. But before I started writing I opened my list of blogs that are pending. And found the letter I wrote to Peanut just after we found out he was coming. After reading the post, there is nothing left to say.... I said it all. All of my excitement has gone away and been replaced with emptiness. I am thankful for the hope that was Peanut and the three blessing that distract me from this loss.

Dear Little Sweet Peanut,
I am still in shock that you are really on your way. I have been praying for you to join us for a long time. It seems surreal to know that you are coming.
I am counting the weeks until I can feel you move. Your kicks and hiccups will carry me through these next months.
I am really excited to see how your face is different from your siblings. I want to count your toes. Kiss your checks and cuddle you close.
Right now you are forming. You are becoming the littlest version of you. And before I know it, you will be big just like Paige, Elizabeth and Landon. You will have things you like and don't like. I can't wait for those things. My favorite part of parenting is getting to know the person you are.
We told Grandpa and Grandma that you are coming. They were so excited.
Mommy and Daddy are still trying to come up with a fun way to tell Oma and Grandpa. We are probably going to surprise them by making a trip to Portland and then spilling the beans. We have never told them in such a simple way before. And we have never told them this early on, but I am so EXCITED.
Paige and Elizabeth had the best reaction ever. They were so surprised. There was cheering and clapping. Even Landon caught the excitement; even though he did follow anything we were saying. He clapped his hands and kept saying yay.
As the excitement was winding down Paige. ever the observant one, said, "Mom, I was wondering why your tummy was getting so big."
Elizabeth seems determined that you are going to be a girl. Paige on the other hand, says she will be happy with whatever you turn out to be. I would love another boy, but another girl would be just as amazing. Even as I am writing this, in my heart, all I want is to see and hear that you are healthy.
We are talking about what you name you. I am full of ideas and driving your daddy insane with constantly trying to talk about them.
Of course that is not the only way I am driving Daddy insane. Every time I turn around, I have this desire to celebrate your coming. If I keep my pace of constant celebrating up... Daddy is going to need to take a couple big hunting trips.
Please keep growing. Stay healthy and strong. Please, even while you are growing in my tummy, know that you are so loved. We are already holding you in our hearts and can't wait to hold you in our arms.
I love you, my little sweet Peanut.
Mommy

I am praying to one day be filled with this kind of hope again.

The Sappy Gooey Stuff

Please accept my apologies. This entry is going to be sweet, too sweet. If you are not in the mood for a woman high on the good things in life... skip this one.  I can't turn this kind of happy off. At least not right now.

I lead a fulfilling life.

I couldn't imagine a better way to be spending my days then being married to my best friend. He understands me. Andrew spends his days doing anything he can to make me happy. And most days he is very successful. I love him more now than before. And at the end of each day, I am excited to see what tomorrow will bring.

My three kids are little bursts of sunshine on my day. Of course there are the days when all I want to do is spend five minutes alone in the bathroom. But I just have to remind myself that this time will be over before I know it.

Paige is a constant comedian; she  loves making people laugh. Her timing is getting better too. I love listening to the ideas she comes up with. Paige's cuddles are never-ending. I love her problem solving skills. And she is observant, almost to a fault.

Elizabeth has more love than she knows what to do with. She says, "I love you" countless times each day. She is so set in her ideas and ways. Headstrong, I know that will be a good thing when it comes to peer pressure later on. Right now, all I can think about is how much fun I am going to have fighting with her in the coming years.

Landon is already showing his mischievous side. If there is trouble to get into he will find it. His independence is remarkable. He loves the backyard. Mostly he loves dirt and water... and what it makes when you mix them together. I find it amazing how dirty he can get in a matter of minutes.

I hope all of that raving about my family hasn't scared you away yet. If it has, you will have missed the very best part of what is happening right now....

We have spent this summer enjoying our life together. Spending every free moment as a family. Finding the most special thing we could afford to do and stopping to do it. Swimming, garage sale shopping, taking family walks, picnics, blackberry picking.... Most things were so simple. And I hope the memories we have made this summer can last a lifetime.

This was the best summer ever.

And best of all.... I am pregnant.

De-Cluttering Update

Summer is almost over, and my goal for making things better around the house is too. After our garage sale, I am proud to announce that there is some space in the shop, and a little more space in my closet. We easily got rid of 300 different items that weekend.

I cannot say that it made a huge impact on our home and how it functions, but I am planning to continue this process and clean out all the closets in the house before the new year. 

Project: Declutter 365

While reading a blog entry over on The Finer Things in Life I stumbled on her 2010 series Declutter 730 in 365. She made 2010 her year for decluttering 730 things from her home (an average of 2 things a day). Then she did a monthly update on her progress.
Now this kind of project could be good for me. It could be a way to focus my new-found desire to change our house into a home. But if I wait until the start of a new year to make a change or set a goal it will never happen. So I am going to start it now.

I can declutter things 4 different ways,

• Sell them on Craigslist or at a garage sale.
• Donate them to Goodwill.
• Give as gift, yes I still have lots of things with tags.
• Throw away, things that are missing pieces or are just broken.

I also agree with Amy that it would be too easy if I didn't set up some rules to follow.

• Regular trash doesn't count.
• Andrew's scrap metal doesn't count .
• I am going to average 2 items a day, some days I will do more and some days I will not do any decluttering.
• I don't have to be the one to declutter, the kids or Andrew can too. The point is for the house to loose things.
• I will blog about it once a month.

This shouldn't be too much a stretch since there are whole areas of the house that I barely touch. The hardest part is going to be continuing after school starts again. Here I go....

Daily Did It

Today was Andrew's day off. I love his days off. It is so easy to be productive.

Here is the list.

Unloaded the dishwasher
Worked with the family to pick up the floors
Andrew swept the living room and kitchen
Spot mopped the living room and kitchen
Had Elizabeth pick up the play room/laundry room
Started the process of refinancing the house
Cooked two complex meals at home
Had playtime with the kids at park
Took the perfect family picture to get printed
Let Andrew go on a scrap run (and didn't even complain)
Ordered my canvas print (my free offer was about to expire)
Washed 3 loads of laundry
Loaded the dishwasher

Having it all out there, our day was crazy. I love the crazy days, especially when we are all together.

Daily Did It's

I got a few things done today.

Loaded dishes
Unloaded dishes
Washed 3 loads of laundry
Had girls pick up bedroom
Gathered laundry from around house
Cleaned toilet
Unloaded dishes
Loaded dishes
Cleaned off table
Folded a table worth of laundry

Maybe having the laundry folded onto the table will hold us all accountable to get it put away before we even eat breakfast!

The Beginning of the End

Paige finished her last day of kindergarten today. She loved her time with Mrs. Price.

I have a first grader now!

Daily Did It's

Day 2 of the summer schedule.

I love my husband and miss evenings with him already; but being alone and awake at the same time is nice.

I am secretly loving this time.

I still haven't gotten a lot of housework done. It might be caused by the flip-floppy schedule, but really I think it has been Landon's never-ending need to be held and Andrew's extra scrap metal prep work.

Today I,
Washed 3 loads of laundry
Unloaded the dishwasher
Had Paige do a 5 minute dish-check
Started dishwasher

At some point this week I want to deep clean my bedroom. This might be a pipe dream... but I am holding on to it.

Life Summery

There has been a sad lack of work done around the house since my last blog post.

There were 3 parties over the weekend but with all the fun that was planned we also faced a super unavoidable problem, we were all sick. The constant presencce of whining, mirgranes, fevers, earaches, headaches, runny noses, coughs, wheezes and vomit. I am not even sure if that is all we faced.

There were 3 doctor appointments today.

I went being concerned about sinus/ear infections and left with Landon starting a new medicine. Hopefully the wheezing is over soon. Even after one treatment he seems quite a bit better. 

 Today is also the day we start our new summer work schedule. We went from spending every evening together as a family to having our family time in the morning. The kids handled it pretty well today. It will take some getting used to for me, but I keep reminding myself that it is only 3 months.

Crazy Kids and What I Did Today

My niece and nephew were over again today. It is nice to get to spend time with them, when everyone is getting along.

Everyone doesn't normally get along on the second day they spend together in one week. Surprisingly, they did well today.

There was coloring time. They played ball, dress up and cars. Elizabeth gave JJ one of her pretend hair cuts. It seems like everyone had a good time.

The kids let me take a shower with no interruptions. There was no screaming when I had to go outside to set up car seats for the school trip. I saw very little bossiness or toy taking. I was even able to get Paige ready for school and make lunch with no problems.

What relief!

Before they came over, I cleaned the table from the breakfast messes, unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned some counter space and washed a load of laundry.  Andrew even dug down and got all the floors cleaned up with the girls help. The house felt slightly presentable when they got here..

While Andrew and Shane were off scrapping, I washed the rest of the laundry and got it all folded too. The hanging things all made it onto their hangers! Made a menu plan complete with shopping list.


After Shane and his kids headed out, I finished my chores...

Put away all the laundry (I wish, more like some of it)
Loaded the dishwasher
Went to the grocery store
Started the dishwasher
Had the kids pick up their toys (Some of them)

It is days like today that make me think I can handle a few more kids.