A Letter to my Peanut

I had a desire to write something about how I am feeling. Not really to publish it, but for me. But before I started writing I opened my list of blogs that are pending. And found the letter I wrote to Peanut just after we found out he was coming. After reading the post, there is nothing left to say.... I said it all. All of my excitement has gone away and been replaced with emptiness. I am thankful for the hope that was Peanut and the three blessing that distract me from this loss.

Dear Little Sweet Peanut,
I am still in shock that you are really on your way. I have been praying for you to join us for a long time. It seems surreal to know that you are coming.
I am counting the weeks until I can feel you move. Your kicks and hiccups will carry me through these next months.
I am really excited to see how your face is different from your siblings. I want to count your toes. Kiss your checks and cuddle you close.
Right now you are forming. You are becoming the littlest version of you. And before I know it, you will be big just like Paige, Elizabeth and Landon. You will have things you like and don't like. I can't wait for those things. My favorite part of parenting is getting to know the person you are.
We told Grandpa and Grandma that you are coming. They were so excited.
Mommy and Daddy are still trying to come up with a fun way to tell Oma and Grandpa. We are probably going to surprise them by making a trip to Portland and then spilling the beans. We have never told them in such a simple way before. And we have never told them this early on, but I am so EXCITED.
Paige and Elizabeth had the best reaction ever. They were so surprised. There was cheering and clapping. Even Landon caught the excitement; even though he did follow anything we were saying. He clapped his hands and kept saying yay.
As the excitement was winding down Paige. ever the observant one, said, "Mom, I was wondering why your tummy was getting so big."
Elizabeth seems determined that you are going to be a girl. Paige on the other hand, says she will be happy with whatever you turn out to be. I would love another boy, but another girl would be just as amazing. Even as I am writing this, in my heart, all I want is to see and hear that you are healthy.
We are talking about what you name you. I am full of ideas and driving your daddy insane with constantly trying to talk about them.
Of course that is not the only way I am driving Daddy insane. Every time I turn around, I have this desire to celebrate your coming. If I keep my pace of constant celebrating up... Daddy is going to need to take a couple big hunting trips.
Please keep growing. Stay healthy and strong. Please, even while you are growing in my tummy, know that you are so loved. We are already holding you in our hearts and can't wait to hold you in our arms.
I love you, my little sweet Peanut.
Mommy

I am praying to one day be filled with this kind of hope again.